The Art of Receiving and Giving: The Wheel of Consent

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April 27 - May 3, 2024 - Sacred Intimacy Training, with the Body Electric School. Betty will be assisting, in person New Mexico Join us for a six-week online course on the Wheel of Consent® – a powerful practice to improve the quality of your relationships and create clear agreements to experience satisfying connection to yourself and others. It is simple, subtle, and profound. Notice that in the last example, it’s neither just for me, nor just for Sally, but for both of us. Even so, without asking the question ‘Who is it for?’ we might not both realise this. And Sally’s response to my question will probably depend on her assumptions about which of the above scenarios she thinks is happening.

Please only show up if you show no symptoms of cold (sore throat, cough, fever or congested/runny nose)These four quadrant names, Giving, Taking, Receiving and Allowing can be applied to non-touch interactions as well as touch-based ones. For example, you could Give me a massage, you could Give me a birthday present, or you could Give me some advice. Notice that I may or may not have asked for your advice! In this last case, we would not have made an agreement and would therefore be outside the Wheel of Consent. Dr. Betty has adapted a simple exercise (originally invented by Harry Faddis) called the ‘Three Minute Game’ in which we can practice having a direct physical experience of each of the Wheel of Consent’s quadrants in turn. This game helps many people really ‘get’ the quadrants at a deeper level than just having a conceptual understanding of them. However, it’s also important to recognise that there are many situations in which sharing touch with others may not be appropriate, in which case there is still a great deal that can be learned through the conceptual understanding alone. The Wheel of Consent® offers a deeply nuanced way to practice consent as an agreement that brings integrity, responsibility, and empowerment into human interaction, starting with touch and relationships, and further expanding our understanding of consent to social issues of equality and justice. This is a good question! With all the emotions often associated with sex, such as excitement or anxiety to please the other, it can sometimes be difficult for people to distinguish between what they want to do, what they are willing to do, and what they are not willing to do. This is particularly true if they have got into the habit of ‘going along with’ certain kinds of touch – either because they think it’s what their partner wants, or because their social conditioning (e.g. related to power imbalance, or their gender) has trained them to do that.

The real meaning of ‘Receiving’ and ‘Giving’ become clear – and they are not what you might think they are! You learn to tell them apart, learn when to use each of them, and come to appreciate and enjoy each of them. Lets you start where you are – regardless of how much you know about the Wheel, there are always new levels of awareness to be found In every exchange one person will be giving, one person will be receiving. One person will also be doing, and one person will be done-to. But, contrary to what we’re used to thinking, the fact that you are doing something, does not necessarily mean you are giving. Creating agreements The process is never about pushing through and trying to like something you don’t like; it’s about learning to trust yourself and be true to yourself. All of this creates ease, clarity, and confidence. Who is it for? Dr. Betty Martin’s Wheel of Consent is a model of relating which brings greater clarity and authenticity to our relationships in all areas of life: with work colleagues, with friends and family, and in our most intimate relationships.

How I use Wheel of Consent to Help You

What would it be like to feel comfortable saying No or setting a limit, and doing so with clarity and grace? The course is open to anyone interested in learning the Wheel, and our intention is for this to be a safer space that is inclusive. However, we recognize that this offering will not meet everyone’s needs. We feel that it is responsible to name that our capacity to provide a safe and supportive learning experience is limited by our lived and learned experiences as facilitators. As facilitators and humans, we are committed to unlearning and waking up to the ways in which we are unconscious of our own patterns of oppressionso that we may better serve you. So we make a consensual agreement to stay another half hour, and this staying on is ‘for Sally’, because it’s what she wants to do, whereas is what I am willing to do.

Challenge patterns of pleasing others or crossing over their own boundaries. To safely practice articulating their ‘no’. An important book. Simple and clear, with practices that helped me gently discover what I really wanted and was not asking for. Feels like I have a whole new freedom! Remarkable impact in relationships with my partner, friends, family and colleagues. Highly recommended.” Facilitate discussions and agreements between clients to resolve mis-matched desire in relationships and to identify consent breaches and intimate partner abuses. You may be surprised after learning about these dynamics how much of the world we live in happens non-consensually and be part of helping to change that. This has been a very short introduction to the Wheel of Consent®, which is about so much more than just saying ‘Yes’ or ‘No’. Rather, it is both a conceptual map, and a somatic experience, which can fundamentally change the way we experience and relate to ourselves, and each other, in all areas of our lives; from friends, to family, to work colleagues, to our most intimate relationships.There are also some questions which might originate from any of quadrants, e.g.“Can we try something new?” or“Can we stop now?” To help clarify the four dynamics, or ‘quadrants’ created by these two questions, we can draw a simple diagram of the Wheel of Consent. The vertical axis (using orange text) shows who is doing - either I am doing, or you are doing. The horizontal axis (using green text) shows who it is for - either it is for me, or it is for you . First, we'll illustrate the example where shared touch is happening: Participants may stop being in consent when they are either not genuine with the request, or unable to say ‘no’ to something which has been requested of them. Taking the example above, where the receiver asks the giver to stroke their hand. If the giver says ‘yes’, when they do not actually want to do this, they are not in consent. Betty calls this ‘shadow’ of the giving quadrant a martyr, do-gooder, or someone who forgets themselves. It is therefore important to be able to say no to something we do not want to experience.

Ongoing - Education for Racial Equity: Unwinding the Trauma-Conflict Web, with Kai Cheng Thom; Creating Post-Capitalist Futures, with Alnoor Ladha and Carlin Quinn; A Course on the Imaginal, with Alixa Garcia; Foundations in Somatic Abolitionism, with Resmaa Menakem and Carlin Quinn. And more! https://educationforracialequity.com/offerings/

Over decades of working with clients Betty Martin, the creator of the Wheel Of Consent, discovered there was a major component missing for people — the confidence that we have a choice about what is happening to us. February 5 - November 3, 2024 - Certificate in Sexological Bodywork, with Kian de la Cour, hybrid - online and in person, England, UK Why would most people endure unwanted or unsatisfying touch, rather than speak up for their own boundaries and desires? Helena De Felice (we/they/she) is a Certified Facilitator of the Wheel of Consent® on faculty of the School of Consent. Born inSweden, they nowlive on the stolen territories of the xʷməθkwəy̓əm (Musqueam), Skwxwú7mesh (Squamish), and sel̓íl̓witulh (Tsleil-waututh) Nations(colonially known as Vancouver, Canada). They offer sessions, courses, andexperiences for people to develop skills in sovereignty, intimacy, andconnection.